at ease…shoulder.
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How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
guilty
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I think the cat got the dog high.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to