I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
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You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins