Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
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Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
My beach vacation Google searches
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.