Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
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[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Just ordered me some pizza!
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
set yourself free xox
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.