[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
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I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me