Wednesday
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Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Feels
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.