I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
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I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please