FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
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*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
my professor scared me for a second
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie