“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
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Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
There’s always that one guy
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
🤣🤣
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.