My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
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Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok