Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
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I think costco should be the next president of the united states
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…