Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
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Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
They’re called werewolves.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food