Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
You Might Also Like
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Okay
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.