Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
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[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
do horses think humans are hats
I can’t wait!
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.