[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
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Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
This fish is cracking me up
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.