instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
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I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I’d love this…lol
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene