Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
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Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
my mind
You just read my mind
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]