People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
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sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]