Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
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Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
me hitting on a model
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
War & Peace