[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
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having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Shoo shoo! 😂
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
The little toadstool has spoken.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.