Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
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Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
me irl
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here