Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
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Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I saw this ending much differently.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can