doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
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Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
How does one answer this?
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
is this a warning or an offer?
ouch
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I just stopped by to water my horse.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain