I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
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Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Finally
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes