[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
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Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.