COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
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The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?