Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
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Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Pikachu found the lost joint
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I love it all
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…