*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
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My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Oh deer
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Do not steal food from the science building!
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!