Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
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Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.