Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
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2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
The game has officially changed 😎
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.