I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
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if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.