Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
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Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
LOL!
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.