Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
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When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
🤔😂😂
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.