I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
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No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Woke up against my better judgement again
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.