Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
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[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids