Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
You Might Also Like
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.