me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
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#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!