[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
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I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party