someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
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Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
This is my bus stop.