Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
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teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*