Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
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Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
There’s only one good girl here!
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.