wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
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You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*