I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
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I’m not alone. I have ants.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again