Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
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Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I hate when that happens.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms