Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
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My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Yup….perfect score!
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
my proudest tweet
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance: