The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
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if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I can’t be the only one 😂
Spring cleaning checklist…
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Mistakes were made
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.