“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
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If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*