“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
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Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Happy weekend !
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems