Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
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911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*