cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
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There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
hi why am I like this
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.